SUMMER SKY

I see you’ve come to visit me again 

Tell me, when does this end? 

When do I stop looking for the contours of your face 

The cadence of your voice 

The rhythm of this shared small town 

When will you come off the pedestal of memory, 

And join me in this humble reality 

Pick your excuse- Come friend, come foe, 

Come as anything but the damning title of someone I used to know 

Did I ever tell you about the first time I felt my heart beat? 

When I felt its rhythm in my chest, as not just a medical phenomenon 

Unknown and foreign 

But as a part of every breath, a pushing and pulling just waiting to be expressed 

It was the first time we drove home, just you and me 

I was a shallow, hallowed corpse back then 

But still I felt the blood flush in my cheeks when you first called me your friend 

Friend, I thought, what a lovely word 

To be yours was a gift, but within a few years, it became a sacrifice I could not afford 

It was everything to that dead girl walking, but now “friend” is not enough in this new life you have given me, this new heartbeat 

I wait in the shadows, applaud your every move 

Waiting is perhaps fruitless, but it is still one of my sweetest pleasures too 

Every moment, every day I think of something I need to tell you 

My tongue, my eyes, my lips were made for sharing things, made for splitting this life in two

After all, there is little I wouldn’t give to you 

It is the truth, yet extremely unfair

Take me land, my idols, my house, my jewels 

I still could not care 

But do not give me this closeness

Your sudden smile, your inside jokes, 

The way your hand finds its way to mine during that one horror TV show 

Your nose hidden from the monster, burrowed in my shoulder 

It is something I cannot bear

So with my hand in yours, my chin in your hair 

I speak a silent moratorium, a single prayer 

For I love you, but love life more 

My blood is new, my spirit young 

To sit on the sidelines of life, waiting for a parallel version of this modern orpheus and eurydice 

One where I stand in white dress, waiting for you to turn but you do not see 

Seems but an awful waste

If I am too much, then leave me fast 

I do not wish my love to be burdensome

Like your laugh in open air, I intend it to be light 

To lift you on your days of sorrow 

I beg you for your pain, your worries, give them to me, make them mine to swallow 

You are the best, the worst thing to have happened to me 

The nihilistic version of the americana teenage dream 

No point, no chance, no end of the war, 

I stand in the trenches, begging to be freed from this in between.  

I love you, and will see you in every sky 

But for now, it seems you long for something I cannot provide 

Alas, this pain may not subside 

Tell your kids one day that you were once a heartbreaker 

God knows that won’t be a lie 

I love you, this much is true 

But I cannot bend your will, or change your mind 

So pray, 

If you love me at all 

Do not look back and leave me behind.